10/12/2010

Welcome To Hell.

We're so happy you came.

I woke up in the kitchen with my leg burning. What was i doing? I was lighting a spoon on fire. I must have been dreaming, dreaming of using. I felt ill,
so ill.

I go to find Beau, he's seen me..he thought I was using. He's putting on clothes, and leaving. Leaving me here alone after a nightmare, a nightmare interrupted by injury.

Don't go. I promise! I didn't do anything,
I cant do this anymore,
No please I love you
so he stays

I ask if we're ok..

"Give it a few days"


what is being clean worth if I can't be trusted?

I want to starve,
but I now it'll look as if I'm loaded.

I'm fucked. I'm alone. I'm needy,
needing,
begging,

then the pain comes, such pain, I'm clutching my stomach, i feel as though I'm going to vomit, blood and something thicker , it's running down my leg, i run to the shower, as if this wont make him trust me less. Am I having a miscarriage?  No...side effect of quitting birth control...all the periods I should have had but never did, it's all coming now..I think I'm going to pass out.

welcome to hell.