10/28/2010

The sicker you get...

The better you look.


And it's not that I don't know all my friends and family look at me and think.."your 92 lbs..you don't need to suck in your stomach.."

and oh how they worry
oh how they fear,
but I'm not done yet, i never will be.

MOREMOREMORE
DISAPPEAR!
I CAN BE THINNER
BETTER
MORE BEAUTIFUL,

how many times a day do the cars that drive by whistle? It seems the smaller I get, the more they multiply, feed my ego now! feed it! Give me reasons, reasons to do this,

I must be becoming beautiful,
I must be becoming worth something!

Without drugs, I have to do this alone.
I have to strive to be thin,
I go to work with my knees trembling and my head spinning,
I can do it,
I can be better...

I just know this makes me sicker.
And sometimes I wish it would stop...Ana would be silenced, to block it out and sit down to a meal and eat without the pain, guilt, disappointment,

but I know that can never be.

1 comment:

  1. i just read this all, and i want you to know you are wrong. it can be done, your soul is beautiful and true. a loving girl who trys to take care of others always before herself. if you continue along your path as you are now you will surely die. yes life is a disappointment all that means is you should get up and change it.
    you look at yourself and try to see a dragon fly skinny and beautiful, but what you should be searching for is how to become a butterfly. no questions its shape or form it just is beautiful. with self love for your body and your mind and your soul you can still transform. i dont know if you realize how sad your story is all i know is that i weeped the tears no one else could while reading it.

    even the love of strangers can help us in our darkest hours. you are unhappy in an unhappy relationship in an unhappy home. to be whisked away isnt so much to ask for but can be the hardest thing to find. you there for need to whisk yourself away. find your life in the world for yourself for your heart, your soul. dont give in to what others think. who care how many whistles you get a day you should always be whistling to your self. be strong be fearless be brave and fight, live.

    im sorry if this is to much and overwhelming but it must be said. you are far to beautiful of a person to just be allowed to drown in the ocean that is circumstance. every one needs a life raft eventually. climb in make this about your healing soul not about your fall from grace.

    with so much understanding and love i hope you take this well.

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