10/28/2010

The sicker you get...

The better you look.


And it's not that I don't know all my friends and family look at me and think.."your 92 lbs..you don't need to suck in your stomach.."

and oh how they worry
oh how they fear,
but I'm not done yet, i never will be.

MOREMOREMORE
DISAPPEAR!
I CAN BE THINNER
BETTER
MORE BEAUTIFUL,

how many times a day do the cars that drive by whistle? It seems the smaller I get, the more they multiply, feed my ego now! feed it! Give me reasons, reasons to do this,

I must be becoming beautiful,
I must be becoming worth something!

Without drugs, I have to do this alone.
I have to strive to be thin,
I go to work with my knees trembling and my head spinning,
I can do it,
I can be better...

I just know this makes me sicker.
And sometimes I wish it would stop...Ana would be silenced, to block it out and sit down to a meal and eat without the pain, guilt, disappointment,

but I know that can never be.

10/22/2010

92.4 Lbs...

I drag myself out of bed...
it's so bright. Am I hung over? What did I eat yesterday?..oh yeah..a "spacial brownie" and water.
Shit. I have work in an hour, I feel like I'm going to pass out.

I have no excuse for this, I'm 96 lbs, fat, fatfatfat! Why should I feel so weak?

I step on the scale,
the clicking noise forces my ears to explode and then theres just this awful ringing pouring out of them... I can hear Beau rolling over in bed...he should get his lazy ass up and make me some coffee for once...
 I look back down, the scale is done clicking...
...92.4
step off
step on
clickclickclickclick...92.4

Have been eating? I cant remember...everythings rushing by so fast...I'll eat a saltine cracker and a cup of coffee before work...I'm exhausted
I don't care. I'm still fat. Still huge...If i wasn't, I would have noticed I lost weight.


STATS: HW: 174
LW: 92.4
UGW: 72

10/17/2010

Cutting...He cheated

I gave it all up for him..to be cheated on
my life
the drugs,
the cutting,
the party, my friends, everything i knew and trusted, everything i had learned made me feel safe,
to be cut open
left feeling vulnerable
no amount of cutting can cure this,
ive run out of space on my arms,
what will i wear to work?

I have never wanted to much to die.
the last year..wasted
my life, gone
and i cant go back, redo, edit undo...
i cant save myself now.

10/15/2010

Working Woman!

I GOT THE JOB.
and as if i need more thinsperation, which I DON'T,
the clothes are so cute! Who doesn't want to wear and XS everything?!

YAY

10/14/2010

Wish me luck!

Today I had a job interview at forever 21, and let me tell you, I do believe it went well.

Afterwards i proceeded to head to my favorite department and try on clothes..

welcome to HEAVEN, it was an ENTIRE  COCO CHANEL KNOCKOFF SECTION! well, basically.

All the smalls were too big,
all the XS's were perfect,

I realized I've lost at least 5 lbs,
Cleo is coming here soon,
I'm not sick anymore,
and Beau and I have been fine , for two whole days!

all my life needs is this job! Wish me luck!

10/12/2010

Welcome To Hell.

We're so happy you came.

I woke up in the kitchen with my leg burning. What was i doing? I was lighting a spoon on fire. I must have been dreaming, dreaming of using. I felt ill,
so ill.

I go to find Beau, he's seen me..he thought I was using. He's putting on clothes, and leaving. Leaving me here alone after a nightmare, a nightmare interrupted by injury.

Don't go. I promise! I didn't do anything,
I cant do this anymore,
No please I love you
so he stays

I ask if we're ok..

"Give it a few days"


what is being clean worth if I can't be trusted?

I want to starve,
but I now it'll look as if I'm loaded.

I'm fucked. I'm alone. I'm needy,
needing,
begging,

then the pain comes, such pain, I'm clutching my stomach, i feel as though I'm going to vomit, blood and something thicker , it's running down my leg, i run to the shower, as if this wont make him trust me less. Am I having a miscarriage?  No...side effect of quitting birth control...all the periods I should have had but never did, it's all coming now..I think I'm going to pass out.

welcome to hell.

10/11/2010

Where is my life?

I feel it is floating, nearer to my happy place, the skinny party scene,
but still in between  there and the lonesome game of house I play with Beau.

I have my best friend back,
all of my friends back,
i party but not the way I used to. Booze...does it feel good? Yes..is it a high? Not quite...not the way E or Coke or Junk is...

Cleo is going to come stay with me for about 4 days and I'm excited. I've been losing weight just thinking about being around her.

Dieting is easier than It once was.
Life is more fun than it once was,
I don't feel as tragically healthy,
but I think i'm taking a step in the wrong direction...
the direction I always want to go in.